


X is for X-Rated Smut for Smut's Sake

by scarletmanuka



Series: V/V Alphabet Challenge [24]
Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-24
Updated: 2016-08-24
Packaged: 2018-08-10 18:32:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7856455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scarletmanuka/pseuds/scarletmanuka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I'm pretty sure the title gives it away, but in case it doesn't, here be porn most definitely without plot. Enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote>





	X is for X-Rated Smut for Smut's Sake

**Author's Note:**

> I'm pretty sure the title gives it away, but in case it doesn't, here be porn most definitely without plot. Enjoy!

If a city could belong to someone, then it belonged to two men. Vetinari and Vimes had poured heart and soul into the city, and knew her better than anyone alive. She was a part of the very fabric of their beings, and was entwined with everything they did.

So if made perfect sense that they had a game where they tried to have sex in as many locations around the city as they could.

Protecting the city was serious work, but they were allowed to have fun, right?

 

The Palace

The beating heart of the city. A sombre place of paperwork and decisions. A place where, if you were walking down that corridor at _just_ the right time, and happened to look to the left, you’d see:

The Patrician looked around, saw no one about and pulled the Commander of the City Watch into the small broom closet. It was dark and musty inside the small space.

“We’re going to be late for the meeting,” Vimes said quietly.

“Let them wait,” Vetinari replied, his hands busy at the laces of Vimes’ breeches. “I’m a bit peckish.” He sank to his knees and took hold of the rapidly hardening cock. He teased the tip with his tongue, licking at the slit and then sucking on it gently. The salty taste of pre-cum caused him to moan hungrily, and he swallowed the cock down. He worked Vimes ruthlessly, giving no quarter. His head bobbed constantly, the cock hitting the back of his throat until his eyes watered. Vimes curled the fingers of both hands into his hair and held Vetinari’s head still so he could thrust into the hot mouth. He could hear voices approaching along the corridor, but just as he was about to pause, Vetinari tightened his throat and stroked at his perineum. Vimes cried out as he shot his load into the Patrician’s wanting mouth, his whole body shuddering. The voices outside halted, and he heard someone say, “What on earth was that?”

Vimes looked down to see Vetinari licking at his bottom lip, a devious glint to his eyes. His head was still level with Vimes’ crotch and his breath was warm on his spent cock. Vimes held his breath, waiting to see if they’d be discovered.

“I’ve heard we have some rather intelligent rats around. Perhaps it was them?”

“Oh, yes, I’ve heard about them. Possibly, possibly.”

The voices grew more distant as they continued down the corridor, and Vimes felt himself relax. Vetinari stood up, and pulled him into a deep kiss so he could taste himself. “Thanks for the snack,” he murmured as he re-tied Vimes’ breeches. “Now we’d better be on our way - otherwise we’ll be late for that meeting.

 

The Watch House

Officers scrambled out of the way as they saw the Patrician stalk into Pseudopolis Yard. His blue eyes were like ice, and his cane rapped on the floor harshly with each step he took. He headed straight for the Commander’s office, and every officer present thanked their lucky stars that they weren’t going to be subjected to his obviously bad mood. The door to the Commander’s office was slammed shut and they decided collectively that out on the streets would be the safest possible place to be, and so they scarpered.

 

Vimes looked up as the door shut and saw Vetinari grinning. “I made sure we wouldn’t be disturbed,” he explained. “I don’t want any interruptions as I fuck you on your desk.”

“Finally, you find a good use for that scowl,” Vimes said, his lips quirking into a smile as he stood from his chair.

Vetinari crossed to him and they fell into each other, a clashing kiss of lips and teeth and tongue. They grappled with each other, frantic, knowing their time was short. Vimes pulled up the Patrician’s robe and felt bare skin beneath. “I see you came prepared.” He grinned against swollen lips.

Vetinari had shoved his hands down Vimes’ trousers and was kneading his arse. “ I’m not the only one,” he replied, feeling the wetness of the lube on his cheeks.

“It pays to think ahead.”

Pulling his hands free and using them to spin the Commander around, the Patrician pushed the man against his desk. “That it does,” he whispered against his ear, voice as smooth as velvet. He pulled Vimes’ trousers down, and used his feet to spread the muscular legs. He lined himself up, and pushed easily inside. He paused, reveling in how tight and hot he felt.

Vimes groaned and pushed back against him. “Move!” he urged.

Vetinari complied, and took hold of his lover’s hips, setting up a fast pace. Vimes braced his arms on the desk, ignoring the paperwork that was being jolted to the floor. He tried to keep quiet in case some of the rank had remained in the building, but was unable to hold back his cries whenever Vetinari’s cock brushed against his prostate. He felt a hand move from his hip to the top of his shoulder and then short nails were being drawn down his back. He shuddered at the feel, and moaned, “More.” The hand returned to its starting place and dragged the nails down again, harder this time.

Vetinari leaned forward and pressed a kiss to the red welts covering the Commander’s back, then reached up and grabbed a fistful of his hair, yanking his head back. Now that he was standing up straighter, Vimes took his cock in his hand and starting stroking himself. “Harder,” he gasped.

Vetinari tightened his grip in the short brown locks, and thrust in harder. Vimes’ breathing came in short gasps, and his eyes were closed as he let his other senses take over. Soon the Patrician felt the minute tightening of the muscles around his cock, and the slight shake of the legs that told him Vimes was close. He grinned, and then bit down hard on the man’s shoulder.

Vimes cried out, and spilled his seed over his now clear desk. His muscles contracted tightly around the Patrician, and two thrusts later and he too was crying out his release.

Vimes slumped forward against the desk, strategically placing his hands around the mess. Vetinari leaned against him, and they rested for a moment, catching their breaths.

There was a creak of floorboards in the corridor outside, and the two men leaped into action. By the time the knock at the door came, both men had their clothes righted, and an old report was covering the evidence spilled on the desk.

Vetinari pressed a hasty kiss to Vimes’ lips and then crossed to the door. “I’ll not tolerate any further foolishness, Your Grace,” he proclaimed in a loud, stern voice. “You’ve been warned.” He winked, then ripped the door open. Sergeant Colon stood outside, his eyes wide. Vetinari nodded at him, and then stalked away.

“Blimey,”Colon muttered. “He looks to be in a foul mood. He didn’t ride your arse too bad, I hope.”

Trying to keep a straight face, Vimes replied, “Nothing I couldn’t handle, Fred. Now, what’s up?”

 

The Tower of Art - Unseen University

Vimes stumbled up the remaining few steps and bent almost double, catching his breath. He looked around the room and saw his lover standing at the edge of one of the turrets, looking over the city. The way the tall man managed to climb up 800 feet of tower without breaking a sweat, or having a hair out of place, was both incredibly annoying, and also a little bit sexy. It also proved that that cane of his was entirely for show. Vimes staggered across to him, and chanced a glance over the edge. He ducked back inside quickly. The tower had felt like it was swaying as he climbed it, but having landmarks to judge it against only confirmed it.

“Come away from the edge,” he pleaded, worrying about the wind. Vetinari really didn’t weigh much and Vimes had genuine concerns that one strong gust would carry him away.

Vetinari turned, a grin on his face and his pale blue eyes more wild than Vimes had ever seen them. “Come on, Sam. Live a little!”

“That’s what I’m trying to do!” he cried. “The further I get from the edge, the more I live.”

With a laugh, Vetinari acquiesced and joined him in the middle of the room. He wrapped his arms around the Commander’s neck and kissed him deeply, pressing himself against his lover.

“You’re as hard as a rock,” Vimes muttered as he pulled away. He glared at him. “You get off on this, don’t you?”

Delicate shoulders shrugged. “We’ve snuck onto University grounds, broken into a decrepit building, and at any time there’s the chance the whole thing could collapse around us. Don’t you find it even a _little bit_ exciting?”

Vimes had to admit that his own pants were rather tight. But it wasn’t the danger that was turning him on - it was the way Vetinari was reacting to it. It was hard to not be enthusiastic when the man was acting like it was Hogswatch. He supposed that if the whole place did come tumbling down while they had their dicks out, he wouldn’t be in any state to care. Having gotten that sorted in his mind, he pulled the man back to him and kissed him, while his hands undid the buttons on his black robe.

Once the garment was undone, Vimes pulled it from Vetinari’s shoulders and laid it on the ground. He then pulled his lover down until he was lying beneath him. With his head this close to the floor, he could hear the tower groaning as it swayed in the wind. He tried to ignore it, but the way Vetinari’s breathing had sped up, he knew the man had noticed it too. He kissed him again, and Vetinari responded with frantic need. Vimes undid both their trousers and they shimmied them down their legs, all the while not breaking the kiss.

A pale hand appeared next to his head, and Vimes looked to see a small bottle of oil grasped in the fingers. He took it, and coated his cock generously, smelling the familiar scent of coconut. Fucking Vetinari always put him in mind of white sand beaches and salty breeze. He lifted the Patrician’s knees up to his chest and lined himself up, then slid inside.

Vetinari’s eyes fluttered closed and his mouth made a small _O_ at the feel of his lover inside him. Vimes held onto the milky thighs as he moved against him, reveling in being able to make the most dangerous man in Ankh-Morpork come apart like this.

“Sam, you feel so good,” Vetinari cried, his hands holding tight to broad shoulders.

Vimes leaned forward and kissed him again, rocking his hips to try and get that perfect angle. “Touch yourself,” he demanded as he sat back on his knees. “I want to watch you.”

Vetinari smiled, and he wrapped his slender fingers around his cock, teasing touches to the dark vein, before beginning to stroke. Vimes’ eyes were locked on the sight, watching as the man pleasured himself. “Fuck,” he cried, as Vetinari’s breaths started to come in short gasps, and his strokes got faster and faster. “Havelock, you have no idea what you do to me.”

There was a loud shuddering sound as a gust of wind shook the tower, and Vimes swore again as he felt the whole floor shift under them.

“Oh!” Vetinari cried out, his body shuddering with the tower as he came.

The feeling of muscles contracting tightly around him overruled the part of his body that wanted to flee the death trap, and Vimes gasped as he orgasmed.

Once he’d gotten his breath back, Vimes pulled Vetinari to his feet and they dressed. “Can we please go now, before this place actually does fall down?” he asked.

Vetinari rolled his eyes. “Fine, let’s go.”

They began their descent, following the curve of the spiral staircase. They had almost reached the bottom when Vimes held out a hand to stop Vetinari. He raised one finger to his lips, and cocked his head to indicate he could hear something. Vetinari became still, as only he could, and they listened intently in the darkness.

“Come on, I promise it’s safe,” a voice said from below, sounding startlingly close. “I won’t make you go to the top - we can stay down here.”

Vimes turned and mouthed, “Ponder Stibbons?”

There was a nod in reply. Vetinari moved close, and murmured in his ear, “It appears we’re not the only ones to sneak in here.”

“I bought us a blanket, and a pillow. It’ll be nice and comfy,” Ponder continued. It sounded like he was trying to convince someone to come inside. “No one ever comes in here - we won’t get caught,” he continued, unaware that the Patrician and the Commander of the City Watch were mere feet away. “Come on, it’s fun to break the occasional rule.”

There was the sound of the door being closed, and they heard soft footsteps.

“I promise you’ll have fun,” Ponder said, the joy at convincing his companion to join him evident in his voice.

“I can’t stay too long,” came the reply. “I’ll have to be back at work in a couple of hours.”

Vetinari’s eyes went wide and Vimes muffled a laugh.

“You know what effect you have on me,” Ponder told him. “That’s more than enough time.”

“Probably enough for several times,” his companion said with a laugh.

They heard them move further into the tower, and then there was the sound of an inner door shutting. Vimes turned to his lover with a grin.

“That was _Drumknott,_ ” Vetinari said in a strangled whisper.

“I would never have pegged him to break the rules.” VImes chuckled.

“But...he...I...I didn’t know…”

Vimes took the stuttering tall man by the hand, and pulled him forward. “Come on, we’d better get you back to work. It’d look suspicious if you weren’t there when Drumknott gets back.”

They snuck out of the tower and out of the university grounds, and Vimes decided that maybe Vetinari’s danger kink wasn’t too bad afterall.

 

The Streets of Ankh-Morpork

Vimes sauntered casually down the street to the mouth of the alleyway, appearing to any passerby who may see that he was just passing through, nothing to see here, move along now. When he was sure that no one was looking, he ducked into the entrance. His eyes searched the dark reaches of the lane, looking for his lover, but knowing that he wouldn’t see him until Vetinari wanted him to.

He walked to a point halfway down, where he could see both ends, but anyone looking in wouldn’t be able to see them. It would give them a few moments to disappear if there was the chance of being caught.

There was a soft thump beside him as Vetinari dropped from the roof above. His face was taken between two slender hands and lips were on his. He returned the kiss greedily, spinning them so he had Vetinari pinned against the wall. “Fancy meeting you here,” the Patrician said with a smirk as they broke apart for air.

“You can’t make a regular entrance, can you?” Vimes retorted. “Coming in via the road isn’t anywhere near as mysterious as dropping in from the roof.”

“You’re the one who worries about getting caught. I thought it would be less conspicuous.”

Vimes grunted, choosing not to answer. He stepped back in and started kissing his way along the jawline, down the pale column of Vetinari’s throat, and then nibbled at a collarbone through the fabric of the shirt. His other hand reached down and undid trousers, allowing him to grasp the half hard cock of his lover.

Vetinari moaned, and his head rolled back against the bricks as he was stroked to hardness. He moved one, blue veined hand to the laces at the top of Vimes’ breeches and deftly undid them, allowing the heavy cock to spring free. He wrapped his fingers around it and began to work at it, using the rhythm that he knew Vimes loved.

They leaned against each other, hot breath and lips against throats, free hands clutching at shirts, hands busy. Vimes rubbed his thumb in circles around the head of Vetinari’s cock on each upwards stroke, and the tall man added a slight twist as his palm slid down Vimes’ shaft, and then the Commander stilled, and came with a grunt. His grip had tightened ever so slightly as his body had shuddered in pleasure, and Vetinari thrust himself into his fist, until he cried out as he came.

Breathing hard, they grinned at each other in the darkness. Vetinari pulled out two handkerchiefs, and they cleaned up and adjusted their clothing. Then he kissed the Commander, whispered, “See you again soon,” and melted into the darkness.

 

Lord Selachii’s Manor

The universe was punishing him. Vimes was being forced to attend a dinner party at the Selachii’s and he had been seated between Downey and Lord Rust. Vetinari was seated across the table from him which didn’t make conversation viable. Not that they’d have been able to speak much anyway - as far as anyone knew, they didn’t socialise together, but at least he’d have felt more comfortable.

Rust was droning on in his ear about the need to re-establish a standing army so young men could be forced into compulsory service. He seemed to think it was the answer to ‘the trouble with the youth of today’. Vimes was finding it harder and harder to keep the scowl off his face. He glanced across the tables and caught Vetinari watching him, and in a blink-and-you’d-miss-it moment, he winked. And then he felt something in his crotch.

His eyes widened as he realised it was Vetinari’s stockinged foot. The man was impossibly tall, and was taking advantage of the extra reach his legs had. Vimes glared at him, his face clearly saying:This is not the time. Vetinari gave a quick answering grin that said: I know but I’m doing it anyway so what are you going to do about it?

Vimes tried to concentrate on Lord Rust’s elaborate reasoning, hoping it would distract from the movements in his lap. It didn’t help much at all. The assassin had very dextrous feet and really, was it actually possible for toes to do _that_. The Commander swallowed hard, doing his best not to moan as the bulge in his pants was rubbed and caressed under the table.

Lady Selachii had turned to the Patrician and was engaging him in conversation, and the man had the audacity to chat away amicably, all the while his foot not stopping for a moment. He’d somehow mastered the knack of managing to rub the arch of his foot along almost the entire length, a mean feat when it had been tucked away amongst underclothes.

Vimes coughed loudly, and threw a glance at Vetinari. It said: I’m actually rather close right now and if you don’t stop, I’m going to come in my pants. The look he got in return said: Go on, then.

The foot began to rub faster, pressing in harder against him. Vimes could feel the pressure building, and he bit his lip, trying to hold back. “Aaaghhhr!” he cried, bringing his fist down on the table. Twenty pairs of eyes swiveled to him, and he saw Vetinari smirk. He said loudly to Lord Rust, “Too right! Those youth of today need to be shown what for!”

Rust raised his wine glass. “Hear, hear, Commander. Good to know you’re on the right side!”

Eyes were returned to plates and conversation partners, and Rust continued to prattle on. Vimes looked across the table, and locked eyes with Vetinari: Now I’m all sticky. How am I going to explain this? Vetinari arched an eyebrow: I always have a plan. He picked up a piece of cheese from his plate and his hand flicked out, so fast that no one noticed. The cheese flew across the table and knocked into Rust’s wine glass, spilling it across the table and into Vimes’ lap.

“Oh dear, sorry about that, old chap,” Rust said to Vimes. “I seem to have knocked over my glass.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Vimes said, picking up a napkin and dabbing at his crotch. “I’ll just go and get cleaned up.” As he excused himself from the table, he threw Vetinari a look: You’ll pay for this. Mischievous eyes looked back: I look forward to it.

 

The Temple of Small Gods

The man knelt naked on the tiles beneath the painted dome in the Temple of Small Gods. His hands were handcuffed behind his back and his eyes were blindfolded. He heard footsteps approach from behind, but he remained still. There was a rustling that sounded very much like items being removed from a paper bag and being set down.

A finger touched his cheekbone just below the blindfold and dragged along the skin, tracing the curve of his lips, and pressing inside his mouth. “Suck,” a voice ordered. He did as instructed, drawing the broad digit into his mouth before it was removed with a _pop_. The wet finger connected with his skin again against a collarbone, and then moved to a nipple, where it circled the nub until it was hard.

“Safe word?” the voice asked, and then twisted his nipple hard.

He gasped. “Wading bird,” he stuttered out.

There was hot breath by his ear. “And you’re sure you still want this?” A tongue flicked out and traced the shell of his ear, and then his lobe was bitten gently.

“Yes.”

“Yes, what?” His other nipple was given a hard twist.

“Yes, _sir_.”

“Very good,” the voice purred. “What would you like first, Pet?”

He ran his tongue over dry lips. “Spank me?”

His hair was grasped by the roots and his head was yanked backwards, then the voice was back at his ear.  “That sounded like a question. I asked what you wanted. Give me a proper answer or you get nothing at all.”

“Spank me,” he panted. “Please.” Hands moved to his shoulders and he was guided down until he was lying across the man’s lap.

“Count them.” A hard slap, and he felt the sting on his buttocks.

“One!”

Another slap.

“Two!”

Two in quick succession.

“Ah! Three, and four.” He was breathing hard, and his aching cock was trapped between himself and the muscular thighs he lay across. He could feel the hard bulge of the man’s cock pressing into his side.

Another slap, this time hitting the sensitive skin of the top of his thighs.

“Five,” he panted.

“You turn such a lovely shade of pink,” the voice said, and he felt gentle touches as the marks were traced with fingertips. He was pulled back into a kneeling position, and he felt lips at his throat, nipping his pulsepoint. “What would you like next, Pet?”  
“A plug.”

“Good choice. I got you a new one - Sonky has outdone himself with this design.” There was a pause and then he felt a hand on his lower back, and the cold touch of a slick plug against his entrance. “Did you prepare yourself like I asked?”

“Yes, sir.”

Without warning the plug was thrust inside him and he cried out in pleasure as it brushed past his prostate. “You should see yourself right now,” the voice growled in his ear. “You look so delicious like this. It’s hard for me to hold back from fucking you.”

His cock twitched at the thought, and he couldn’t hold back his moan.

“Of course, that would mean I’d have to remove this…” The plug was wiggled backwards and forwards, causing the contours inside to press against his most sensitive spot. “I think we’ll hold off on that.”

All contact was removed, and he knelt for a while, trying to discern what was happening. Despite his heightened senses, he couldn’t depict any movement, and he had no idea what the man was doing. It sounded like he was just watching. The thought caused his breath to hitch, and he could feel his cock dripping. His body screamed to be touched, every nerve on fire. The moments dragged on, and he turned his head, ears straining for any clue. His body started to tremble, the need to feel hands, or lips, or cock against him almost overpowering. “ _Please,_ ” he whimpered when he couldn’t take anymore.

There was a throaty chuckle from directly in front of him, and he suddenly felt warm lips surround his length. He thrust into the touch, almost cumming on the spot, but firm fingers wrapped around the base, preventing his release. He felt the wet heat slide up and down his shaft, and his knees almost buckled. A hand snaked its way around him and the plug was wiggled again. “Gods!” he cried out, his voice echoing around the domed room of the temple.

“They can’t help you, Pet,” the voice murmured against his cock. “You’re completely at my mercy.”

The plug was wiggled again, and the mouth sucked his head hard. His hips bucked, and he felt himself begging for release, but the fingers circling him didn’t let go.

“Please,” he choked out.

The mouth moved from his cock, but the hand remained wrapped around the base. “Please, what?” was growled against his ear.

“Please fuck me. Sir.”

There was no reply, but he felt as the plug was grasped and pulled from him ever so slowly. It came free with a pop and he felt so very empty. He felt and heard as the man moved around him, keeping the hand tight around his base, not allowing his release. And then he felt pressure and a hard cock was being thrust inside him. He cried out again, and ground himself back against his lover. A hand was settled on his hip in a bruising grip, and he felt the man suck a mark onto his shoulder.

“Harder,” he begged in a breathless voice.

“Harder, what?” the voice demanded, biting down hard over the mark.

“Sir!”

The man thrust against him even harder, and the slap of balls against cheeks sounded loud in the temple. Faster, and faster, until he felt his lover explode inside him. The hand holding his cock was released and he screamed as he came, shooting hot strands across the tiled floor.

He slumped back against the man, and heard the clink as the cuffs were released. Gentle arms wrapped around him, and a hand reached up to pull down his blindfold. He twisted his neck around so he could gaze upon his lover. “Thank you,” he murmured.

Vimes kissed him, and then laughed as he looked around the temple. “You’re a bad man, Havelock.”

He shrugged. “I didn’t hear you complaining.”  
“No, I guess you didn’t, Pet.”

  
  
  
  
  


  


 


End file.
